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I never returned to the secret girl’s bathroom, but I vowed that next year I would. The rest of camp was a blur of Anne Frank monologues (the edgier girls did monologues from Lolita) and debates about abortion and gay marriage. Self-deprecation and online shopping are my coping mechanisms, after all. I was so embarrassed, and worried they thought I panicked over being gay, when in reality, I panicked over being ugly and fat. I sat by myself at breakfast, but my friends weren’t having it. The next morning, I purposely got up earlier to avoid Kat and Ciara. I ruined the sapphic fantasy of my adolescence by being anxious and insecure. I hated my body, and certainly didn’t want these hot girls to see it. I literally ran back to my room to cry about how fat and ugly I was. When it got down to taking more clothing off than my top, I panicked and bolted. I played it safe by starting with socks, then my sweatshirt. I thought it was hot, but I was too self-conscious and nervous to be turned on. It wasn’t sexual…but it wasn’t not sexual. We basically played “War” and removed clothing arbitrarily. This was just a cheap ploy to be gay and slutty.īefore you start thinking that this was hot, let me remind you that I was a fat, pale weirdo with an awkward haircut and shoddily done black eyeshadow.
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I had no idea how to play poker, and neither did they. I had had a girlfriend before, and had my share of sapphic sleepovers, but this was new territory. “Okay,” I squeaked, trying desperately to sound cool and experienced. Some of them erupted into a fit of giggles. “We play strip poker,” one of the girls explained to me, raising an eyebrow. I can still see the small pink tiles and hear the dull hum of the fluorescent lights. (They had the inside scoop since they were regulars at the school.) A group of about 5 other girls were gathered, sitting on the floor in a circle.
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“This is far away from the RAs, don’t worry,” Kat said. We entered an unmarked door: an old bathroom. She and Kat led me by the hand down a dark hallway, laughing quietly the whole time. Let me clarify: they did gay shit and then I panicked.Īfter feeling me out through a few nightly rounds of 21 questions, my roommates deemed me worthy of their late night “meetings.” Ciara nudged me awake.
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We didn’t explicitly establish that we were all queer but you know when you just know? It’s like this weird primal instinct for gay kids.Īs if it wasn’t gay enough that we spent all day reciting monologues and debating (the expression madame speaker still vaguely turns me on) we did actually gay shit at night. I decided that I wanted to be their best friend. They seemed totally different but they were as thick as thieves. (I hadn’t entered my guidette phase yet.) Kat was slightly more rebellious than me: she had her clit pierced. Kat* was a brooding emo white gal like yours truly. She had the loudest, most infectious laugh. Ciara* was this impossibly tall beautiful black girl. They were hilarious, independent, obscenely wealthy, and queer as hell. My roommates were two regular year-round students that stayed for all the summer programs. There was something a bit ~notoroious~ about this particular boarding school where the camp took place….it was lez, lez, lez.
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So can you imagine my delight when my parents surprised me with two weeks away at an all-girls public speaking camp for my birthday? I remember my mom, who definitely already had her suspicions about my raging lesbianism, cautioning me to be careful of girls who pressure girls into *things* when she dropped me off. I recognize this statement is totally mental considering that it is most people’s biggest fear, but I thrive off of it. Getting slutty at camp was kind of my thing.īeing the narcissist and the performer I am, I LOVED public speaking. But it doesn’t stop there: after lights out, we would all play strip poker. Do you ever look back on an event in your adolescence and reflect upon how incredibly and utterly GAY it was? Yeah, that’s how I feel when I think about the time I went to an all-girls public speaking and debate sleep-away camp.